8:02 p.m. Good news: We get two songs from each contestant tonight. Bad news: They will ALL be from Neil Diamond. Yeah, he sold more than 120 million records, but is this really something to appeal to U.S. youth? We’re older than that, and even we are having trouble keepin’ our dinner down.

8:05 p.m. Jason Castro forgets the lyrics right in front of Mr. Diamond. “Forever in Blue Jeans” comes across as pitchy and breathy and he just looks confused. Is it just us, or does this boy always looks stoned?

8:11 p.m. Oh my god. David Cook’s outfit looks so douche-baggy no words can really describe it. Well, besides DOUCHE BAG. He looks like a prepackaged emo-licious lead singer like a Pete Wentz or something. And next thing you know, he’ll be sperminating Miley Cyrus.

8:14 p.m. The Whiteheads should be totally disappointed this week because Brooke’s rendition of “I’m a Believer” sucked so bad it made Mr. Diamond stick his fingers so far into his ears that he is now deaf.

8:16 p.m. These songs are so short. Before you can even fully assess how horribly shitty each one is, it’s over.

8:22 p.m. Mr. Diamond calls David Archuleta a prodigy. Why the fuzz does he get to sing the only two songs that are really known by the general population? Seems like a set up to us. That’s just no fair.

8:23 p.m. Is it wrong that every time we look at David A. we see some sort of mouse or cat ears sprouting from his hairline. He’s a flipping stuffed animal!

8:24 p.m. Syesha Mercado is easily becoming our favorite. She’s the last diva standing.

8:27 p.m. Randy: Jason = OK; David C. = in the zone; Brooke = karoke; David A. = awesome; Syesha = strong Vocals.

8:28 p.m. And hoooooly shit, apparently Paula was smoking on the crack pipe before the show. She thought everyone just sang two songs ALREADY!!! HAHAHAHAHAH, what an effin’ moron. But you gotta love her. That moment made the whole show.

UPDATE: See Paula’s mistake here. And EW’s blog has a word-for-word transcription of it here.

8:29 p.m. Simon has a much different opinion of the first round. He calls Brooke’s performance a nightmare, David A.’s amaturish, Syesha’s old fashioned. He says to the five contestants: “You are all very lucky that there is a second song; I want to see performances of a lifetime next round.”

8:34 p.m. In his second performance, Jason Castro sounded like he had something caught in his throat. Suffice it to say that a train went by the house and *that* rush of sound was more appealing than what he was singing.

8:36 p.m. Randy, “That was another OK whatever performance for me.” Paula: “I felt like it was safe and you need to get out of your comfort zone.” Ah, so he does admit to choking. Simon: “There was no attempt to make the arrangement; I think you are going to look back at this performance and say I don’t know who this person is.” We couldn’t agree more.

8:37 p.m. Much better this round, David C. He’ll get the ladies on this one.

8:39 p.m. Randy: “You know what man, I am a huge David Cook fan because you rocked the house again.” Paula: “I feel like I’m already looking at the American Idol.” Simon: “I thought the first song was OK, I thought the second song was brilliant. You actually made this song was written this year. That was smart. Well done.”

8:46 p.m. You know what Simon says about making songs recent. Well Brooke does NOT do that with her second performance. Her voice sounds a little better though.

8:47 p.m. Randy: “Nice job.” Paula: “That just works.” Simon: “This is the Brooke we like. It wasn’t incredible but it was a million times better than the first song.”

8:48 p.m. This song is super gay. Did David A.’s voice just crack? However, he is keeping his eyes open more. Hooray. “I’m coming out in America!” That’d be a much better version of the song.

8:50 p.m. Randy: “For a young man, you are definitely in the zone.” Paula: “David, your voice is so on point. I love you.” Simon: “That was a smart choice; it ticked all the boxes.”

8:56 p.m. Syesha rocks it. But is she not wearing shoes?!?

8:57 p.m. Randy: “I like you in this; this is the way I like you.” Paula: “The texture to your voice is your magic.” Simon: “I think what you demonstrated is that your a very good actress-singer. I think you might be in trouble tonight. I don’t think you had a real memorable song like the others.”

8:59 p.m. We hate to admit this, but Simon is probably right.

Tags: American Idol: Paula Abdul Declares David Cook Winner, Brooke White, brooke white nightmare, David Archuleta, David Cook, iTunes, Jason Castro, paula says david will win, Syesha Mercado