In the first glimpse of the “normal” Lohan household, we find Dina starting her morning by pouring over all the tabloids. “They can destroy my kid’s career,” she barks in her husky voice. “They better not start on Ali,” she huffs as family assistant Alexis pulls up a spread that claims the 14-year-old already had some nose work.

She continues to denounce the very thing that has actually prolonged Lindsay’s days in the spotlight for approximately 24 minutes more minutes. Even her mother and Lindsay’s grandmother, Nana, talks trash. “The nanas are not exempt,” she warns others of the paparazzi’s tenacity.

As far as the New York home where Dina, Ali and 11-year-old Cody reside, it isn’t as lavish as one would suspect. The average suburban home is probably the closest to normal this fame-whoring family is gonna get. Upon entering the home, a montage of trinkets around Orange Oprah’s living room (interwoven with Ali and Cody wrestling on the floor) shows one that reads: “If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you trouble.” Um, classy.

When Ali disapproves the tracks her record label sent, Dina growls, “What they are sending her are what they think a 14-year-old should be.” Apparently she forgot to e-mail them a picture of her daughter, who appears to be nearing 35 in the looks department.

What’s worse is that Dina is under the assumption that her daughter is an “artist” who intends on producing “art”. “You’re not hear to please anyone but yourself as an artist,” she coos to Ali. The day that fugly mini-Lindsay is considered a real artist is the day her bisexual, snatch-flashing sister will win an Oscar. Never.

The strangest detail that emerges from this first, 30-minute calculated look into the Lohan lifestyle is that Dina met Jeremy (Ali’s hip-hop track provider) via IM. Firstly, how does one secure Dina Lohan’s AIM? Secondly, if Dina’s family so important to her, why on Earth is she talking to strangers online? Just bizarre (i.e. the opposite of normal!).

As the uglier version of LiLo whines to her new lyrics “It’s not my fault that your in love with me”, it’s not difficult to wonder who will love this clueless and lost little girl. If Dina thinks she is setting Ali up to be the next Ashlee Simpson, she should have taken some time to figure out why The Ashlee Simpson Show was a success.

1.) It was on MTV (music television), not E! (entertainment television).

2.) Ashlee’s songs were actually *good*.

3.) Ash looks and acts much different from her sister, whereas Ali is just shooting to be a Lindsay replica. She even says, “Lindsay is my role model. I try to look like her and dress like her and everything.”

Yes, this girl is so screwed. The fact that Lindsay’s alleged sex tape and reports that she is dating Jeremy outshine Ali throughout the episode, it’s evident that the middle school wanna-be will continue to live in her sister’s shadow even on her own reality show.

In the video above, watch Living Lohan star Ali Lohan’s appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night.

“We basically just did this show to set the record straight,” Ali tells Letterman. “And we’re not just this crazy family.”

Like remember when her sister ran over that guy’s foot, got arrested for drunk driving all those times and posed naked for New York Magazine. Totally normal. And the fact that she’s only 14 years old but looks not a day under 35 … You guessed it: That’s normal, too.

Also, “setting the record straight” has nothing to do with that upcoming album, Ali, does it?

[Via Perez Hilton]

Dina Lohan *really* knows what’s best for her daughters. People reports:

“I told Lindsay I don’t want her on the show right now,” Lohan tells TV Guide. “Doing reality TV would almost be taking a step backward as far as her career.”

“I just want to get the message across that we are a normal family,” says Dina, who insists she’s not a “crazy party mom” and she’s “never partied with Lindsay.”

Uh, somebody should probably inform her that turning to reality TV to prove you are “normal” doesn’t really work like that. Normal people *don’t* go on reality TV (no offense, reality stars). People who want to be more famous and more scrutinized go on reality TV.

And Living Lohan premiers next Monday, May 26 on E! with no Lindsay? That is just flat out stupid. I suppose she will be just like the adults on Peanuts comic strip: We might hear her voice or one side of a phone conversation, but no lovely Lindsay. Booooo.

And if the sneak peek below is any evidence as to how this eight-episode show will go, it will just be a lot of lying, self-whoring and whining from the Perez Hilton coined Orange Oprah. This is going to be a nightmare.

[via People + via Gawker]

The much anticipated Lohan Family reality TV show, Living Lohan, will premier May 26 on E!. There’s no doubt this will be the most over-edited, pseudo drama bs ever — and we love it!

Already guilty of making terrible music, films and acne commercials, this will be Lindsay’s (oh, and her Ashlee Simpson wanna-be sis … the show’s focus) big chance to ruin reality TV. Good thing it’s pretty much already been ruined by the Hiltons and Kardashians.

[Via PerezHilton.com]