8:10 p.m. - So, we caught about 60 percent of the Idol Gives Back yesterday. All those A-list stars made us feel so incredibly guilty for living a gluttonous lifestyle filled with bottled water baths and such, that we accidentally donated $20. Did the show have that affect on anyone else?

8:21 p.m. - Ryan Seacrest should have sent that presumptuous bitch Brooke White home. For good.

8:21 p.m. - Of course, the Davids are safe. They are going to be the final two. No doubt.

8:28 p.m. - Rikki Lake is soooo SKINNY!!! We didn’t even recognize her!

8:35 p.m. - Whoever writes these awful Jordan Sparks songs should die a horrible, horrible death.

8:43 p.m. - Apparently Jason Castro is hump-worthy. We don’t really concur with this statement. From the number of screeches and screams, it is obvious someone wants him.

8:44 p.m. - Holy crap, Kristy Lee Cook is safe! Yuck.

8:45 p.m. - So, Michael Johns, Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson are in the bottom three. We have an icky feeling that Carly will be going home. She is too intense for this competition.

8:49 p.m. - Ah, Bono. Ah, Hilary. Ah, John McCaine. Where the eff is Obama? Ah, yes. Obama. We love the timing. We don’t care what this man does — he gives us chills.

8:52 p.m. - Randy Jackson says that this bottom three is surprising. Paula Abdul says it’s partly right and partly wrong. Simon Cowell believes America has started listening to him. He did warn Carly.

8:57 p.m. - Secreast starts with Michael, moves to Syesha and goes to Carly. Oh my god! I cannot believe Michael Johns is going home!!!!!

8:58 p.m. - And THEN Seacrest makes it sound as if they might keep him. He says he is definitely going home tonight. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! We even voted for him. Man, if we weren’t getting *paid* to watch this show, we’d be done. Screw you, America!

9:00 p.m. - Deep. Breath.

9:01 p.m. - Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe he will come chat on CFC … hey, you never know! We love you, Michael!!!

Image courtesy of AmericanIdol.com

8:13 p.m. - Icky Amanda Overmyer was pitchy, according to Randy Jackson. Simon Cowell says, “It was predictable; it was a bit of mess in parts; it’s the same thing week after week after week!” Then he calls her boring!

8:23 p.m. - Kristy Lee Cook really has something to prove this week. Her outfit looks super-glam, but her voice is AWFUL. We bet she thinks this is going to be her big comeback. Aw, we’re sorry, KLC.

8:25 p.m. - Randy is indifferent; Paula Abdul compliments the outfit (as we said last week, that is a big sign that you suck!); Simon wants to give her hypnosis: “You are not a good performer; it’s like musical wallpaper.”

8:29 p.m. - Time seems to stop when David Archuleta takes the stage. His pitch his perfect, and there’s no doubt that squinty-eye grin will make the 13-year-olds soon!

8:31 p.m. - Did Paula and Kristy wear the same outfit? Simon calls David “amazing” and says that David’s performance made his point about Kristy’s performance level.

8:33 p.m. - Oooh yeah, Michael Johns looks hot!

8:38 p.m. - iPhone plug … !!! Super pathetic. American Idol is becoming the new QVC.

8:40 p.m. - Michael, what was that high note? It sounded like a chain-smoking baby squealing.

8:42 p.m. - The judges didn’t like it. Paula makes an excuse about the ear pieces the contestants are wearing. Simon thinks that is no excuse: “It was a mess; you didn’t hit the right notes. That was not good enough.”

8:45 p.m. - Ryan Seacrest brashly inquires to Michael about his ear piece only to discover that Michael is not wearing one!! At first people think Paula is full of it, then we learn that the Australian babe just didn’t put his on. This means, as Paula says, that there is no excuse for a bad performance.

8:47 p.m. - Aw. We feel bad for Michael Johns. He wasn’t that bad!!

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8:13 p.m. - Syesha Mercado is up first. Her hair/outfit looks fly. Her earrings are snazzified.

8:14 p.m. - Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul thought it was pitchy at first. Simon Cowell thought it was a great choice of song, “I just think you look very very nervous, but I thought you were much better than you were last week.”

8:19 p.m. - Cheesy Chikezie worked security at LAX. HA! We think we saw him there before. He’s actually remarkably likable.

8:20 p.m. - He will sing “She’s a Woman”. Let’s see if he rocks it.

8:22 p.m. - Wow, we think we actually like us some Cheesy. Hot dog!

8:24 p.m. - “Who knew? I love the arrangement … Chikezie smashed it!” Paula just repeats what Simon said last week. “The reward paid off, my dear!” Uh, we think you meant risk. Simon: “I’m really surprised that I actually agree with these two; unlike the first singer, you have actually changed within a week. I thought you were terrific.”

8:28 p.m. - Ramiele Malubay has a totally shaky beginning. Ouch. This one is going to be painful. At least her hair looks flippin’ awesome. Her voice is too soft. She sings like a mouse whispering. And what happened to that last note? She destroyed it. And not in a good way.

8:30 p.m. - “I thought it was pretty, but it was also pretty boring,” says Randy. Paula compliments Ramille on her looks. Ouch. That’s not a good sign. “I feel like you’re holding back,” she says. “I was bored to tears throughout the entire song, to the awful standing on the stairs … it was forgettable, boring, I expect a lot better from you,” Simon rips right into her.

8:32 p.m. - At least she isn’t crying! We would be!

8:36 p.m. - iTunes plug! What what.

8:37 p.m. - Does Jason Castro have nats flying in and around his dreads?? LOL!!!

8:37 p.m. - Jason is singing “If I Fell”. He has some love affair with vests. Who wears vests anymore?

8:39 p.m. - That was pretty good. Eh. Whatever.

8:40 p.m. - “It was alright,” says Randy. “I disagree with Randy,” Paula says. “Blah blah blah blah.” Simon tells the truth: “It wasn’t as good as last week.”

8:47 p.m. - Ooh, love that shirt, Carly Smithson! Ew, her roommate is Amanda Overmyer. Scary!

8:48 p.m. - Carly is waitress-bartender-singer. Who’d guess?

8:49 p.m. - “Come Together” comes together for Carly. She has an amazing screaming voice. Sometimes she even sounds like Kelly Clarkson; sometimes she sounds even better. But she does need to lose more weight.

8:51 p.m. - “You were strong, you were confident; there wasn’t a note out of tune,” Randy says. “I felt like I was already watching a star,” Paula rambles. Simon says she finally got the song right: “This reminds me of six years ago of Kelly Clarkson.” Awww shit, guess who just read Simon’s mind!!!??!??!

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8:04 p.m. - Did you see that moment between Ryan Seacrest and Michael Johns? There was a total moment.

8:05 p.m. - Former ballerina Luke Menard is up first. This ’80s theme rocks! He does some Wham! — but where’s the 1980s short-shorts and flashy colors?

8:07 p.m. - Randy Jackson says it was rough and a little corny. He surprised Paula Abdul with the song choice, and then she name drops of how she worked with George Michael on his tour. “I thought it was weak and a bit girly — there is no way you are going to make it through.” Ha ha, who dropped that bomb? Simon Cowell, we presume. (Um, actually he just said it, so we can confirm that presumption.)

8:13 p.m. - David Archuleta has squish-able cheeks, but when he sings … we can take him very, very seriously. With his beautiful tone and emotive way, he wins us over with “Oh think twice, just another day in paradise.” Better known as Phil Collins’ “Another Day in Paradise.”

8:15 p.m. - “It was nice,” Randy says. “I love that there were a couple of notes that were nice because it proved that your not an imaginary person,” says Paula “It is all getting a little bit gloomly … you’ve got to lighten it up,” Simon says. He continues with a prediction: “You’re probably going to be in the final two.”

8:16 p.m. - “Any songs that involved intimacy is sad for Simon,” quips Seacrest. Ho ho ho!

8:22 p.m. - Did anyone see Danny Noriego’s wild Christmas video circulating the interwebs? We will post it for you below!


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8:05 p.m. - We get a quick glance of the top 12 guys. Well, helloooooo Michael Johns. Do you come here often? (Because if you do, so do we!)

8:06 p.m. - The judge introduction. Because we have no idea who these people are. The theme is some ’60s crap. This better be good.

8:13 p.m. - First boy of the night: David Hernandez of Glendale, Ariz.

8:14 p.m. - He sings “Wait ‘Till the Midnight Hour” by Wilson Pickett, and Randy says, “You can definitely blow; watch the long phrases.” Paula says, “You got brilliant vocals to rely on; good job.” Simon says, “It was better than I thought it would be; you’ve got to loosen up a bit.”

8:17 p.m. - We say: David is very, very forgettable. He’s sorta cute, but we won’t be voting for him.

8:18 p.m. - Next we have Chikezie Eze, a 22-year-old from Inglewood, Calif. He is a mini Ruben who has a stupid name.

8:19 p.m. - He, of course, sings … ew, his voice is waaaay flat. Why the hell is he singing this song? The beginning seriously was scary. And his suit … too carrot-like for us. He sings Stevie Wonder’s “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday”.

8:20 p.m. - Randy says, “It was pretty good.” Paula lets us know that Chikezi lost some weight. So kind of you, Paula! How about you mention his BO problem, too.

8:21 p.m. - Firstly, Simon calls him Jacuzzi. And he AGREES with us! “The suit is hideous, the wink was hideous, the woo was hideous; it was all old-fashioned, corny, cheesy; this could have been something we filmed 40 years ago.”

8:23 p.m. - Chikezie = Cheesy. That’s all we know.

Image courtesy of FOX.

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